Lost Gold Chronicles: Good Housekeeping For Dummies
by CJ Moliere
Summary: After members of his sons' wedding party trash his living room Rumple unleashes the wrath of his in-laws on the guests. A missing scene from Once Upon a Time in Miami and Vegas. The guests are forced to clean the room up but its not easy when they're hung over and for Regina and Emma, magic isn't cooperative.


**~ Good Housekeeping For Dummies ~ **

**Author's Notes: In the last chapter of Once Miami and Vegas Rumple unleashed the wrath of Fiona and Cattie on the wedding guests for wrecking the house. Here is what you didn't read! Enjoy! **

Regina had only been awake ten minutes before she realized she and her drunken companions were royally screwed because Rumple was royally pissed off at the condition of the living room. She _did_ suggest they move the party over to her house after Rumple and Belle left for the hospital but once she got a drink or two in her, all her common sense went out the door. Making matters worse, he'd been the one to find her discarded bra and panties along with Emma's and had to announce it! That most of the people in the room were drunk didn't matter, it was still a lesson in humiliation she feared he would not let her forget. Oh, but the imp wasn't done yet. The absolute _worst_ part of the whole situation were the two women running around smacking asses with a damned paddle that he'd set on them like a pack of dogs in a fox hunt.

"I see people slacking over there!" Catriona yelled and pointed at Regina. "Get scrubbing or you'll be getting well acquainted with The Bruiser here!"

"Make me, you tart!" Regina snapped and attempted to use her magic on Catriona and found herself blasted back by a protection spell, turned over and smacked with the paddle by the old crone Catriona called a mother. Shame, because she was starting to like them.

"Damn you Rumple!" she growled and rubbed her backside. Damn, that stick of wood hurt worse than the willow switch her mother used to use when she didn't strike out with magic that is.

"If you thought the lad wouldn't protect us from the likes of you, queenie, think again. Now get up off your drunk ass and get scrubbing!" Fiona ordered. "You too, blondie...move it!"

"I'm really starting to hate those two," Emma grumbled as she picked up a rag and started scrubbing some ketchup off the wall while Hook was desperately trying to scrub the vomit and urine out of the rug.

"If you ask me, we're getting off easy," Jamie McDermott said as he worked on another portion of the wall that had mustard stains on it from a drunken food fight between him, his wife, their friend Dayna, Ruby and Victor. "Try cleaning a five hundred year old Scottish castle. That's what our house in Scotland is."

"Jamie...less talk, more work...or do you need a reminder?" Fiona threatened.

"No, Grammy," he grumbled.

"Well, lad...you at least seem to be doing a good job," Fiona said to Robin as he gathered up trash and threw it in bags.

"Figures. He took the easy job," Hook snorted.

"I just cleaned up my contribution to the mess," Robin retorted. "At least I didn't piss on the floor like a dog."

"Fight nice children," Catriona warned.

_**I'm**__ gonna get skinned by that goddam crocodile if I can't get this stuff out,_ Hook thought worriedly as he scrubbed at the vomit stains he'd made.

"Good lord, pirate! Who the hell taught you how to clean? All you're doing is making it worse! Go change the water in your bucket and get some stain remover!" Catriona snapped. "Lord have mercy, did any of you fairy tale morons ever clean a day in your life?"

"For your information we have...dammit, why isn't my magic cooperating?" Regina grumbled.

"Doesn't work too good when we're drunk," Emma said. "Remember, it was one of the most important lessons you taught me."

"Wonderful!"

"Regina...some of this stuff isn't coming off good," Ruby said while she and Victor were trying to remove buffalo sauce stains from one of the white sofas. "We could really use some magic about now."

Regina's gaze drifted over to the coffee table and the scratch marks from hers and Emma's shoes. _Those_ weren't going to come off without magic. She was hoping that her magic would return as her hangover wore off because the normal cleaning supplies they were using could only do so much for a mess like this. She motioned to Emma and the two of them stood over the coffee table concentrating. Seconds later the scratch marks vanished. She breathed a sigh of relief when the Backside Bandits didn't chase her and Emma with that damned paddle as they went about trying to repair the damage their cleaning supplies couldn't take care of and everything had to meet with the women's' approval.

"The beatings will continue until job performance improves," Catriona warned, making all of them work even harder.

"You can go sleep your hangovers off now but if I found out your rooms look like this...well...you get the idea," Fiona warned them as she held up the paddle after she and her daughter declared the room clean. Emma and Regina were going to need a long rest after all the magic they used while Hook never wanted to see or smell his own vomit and urine again. The exhausted cleaning crew retreated to their rooms, making sure they were clean first because they certainly didn't want to be given a lesson in housekeeping from those two again!

The next morning they all entered the ballroom for a buffet style breakfast, quickly filling their plates and eating in silence while Fiona and Catriona gave them looks that could kill. The Gold housekeeper, Evangeline Potts was even less amused and grateful she hadn't been the one to clean up the mess but she wouldn't have left the Gold employ. She, her grandson Chip, and another servant named Lumiere were all discovered by Robin Hood in the Dark Castle after the curse hit and the enchantment spell that turned them into a teapot, another chipped cup and a candelabra was broken the day Rumple broke the Dark One curse. Belle and Rumple were stunned as they'd seen the group as objects but were unaware they were people under a curse since they could neither talk or move but think. Evangeline explained that the curse on them was cast by Rumple's predecessor, Zozo on the orders of one of his masters and only breakable when the Dark One curse itself was broken. Once Robin Hood and many other inhabitants of the Enchanted Forest decided to go to Storybrooke, Evangeline decided to seek out the former Dark One and his housekeeper to thank them for freeing them. Rumple and Belle bonded quickly with the elderly lady and had a small house built for them in their Maine home as well as giving them their own suites in Avonlea, treating them as part of their extended family.

"When are we going to meet the new member of the family?" Lumiere mused aloud.

"Give them time dear. It was a long day for Belle and Rum and they both needed to rest," Evangeline said. "But they won't be going without breakfast either," she said as she rose from her chair and took the lift up to the second floor. She knocked softly on the master bedroom door.

"Yes?" Rumple called out.

"Breakfast is getting cold," Evangeline said.

The door opened. "Come on in and meet Nathaniel," Rumple said. He and Belle were sitting up in bed, Belle holding their son in her arms.

"Oh, he's a beautiful boy Rum!" she exclaimed. "Hello Nathaniel. I'm Evangeline and I'm going to take care of you just like your parents and sister."

"Would you like to hold him Evangeline?" Belle asked softly.

"Oh, he'll probably fuss."

"I doubt it dearie. He's the quietest baby I've ever seen," Rumple laughed.

"Oh my...he is a quiet one, isn't he?" Evangeline asked as she cradled the newborn in her arms. "Yes, you are. Has he met that other imp of yours yet?"

"Hope's a little upset because he's too young to play with her."

"Keeps me on my toes, that one," Evangeline muttered. "As do your houseguests. Was the mess as bad as Fiona and Catriona described it?"

"It was."

"Animals," she scoffed. "Hopefully having their behinds tanned taught them a lesson. I may just have to have myself a little Bruiser made."

Rumple waved his hand and floated a wooden paddle over to the housekeeper. She gripped the handle and looked down to read the inscription: **Mrs Potts' Bruiser: For Use On Idiots Who Make a Mess In Her Clean House. **

The housekeeper laughed. "Thank you Rum. Now you get downstairs and have some breakfast. Everyone's eager to meet the little one too."

"They might run seeing that in your hand, dearie." Rumple quipped.

"Then maybe this will be the last time they'll mess up our house."

Once Rumple, Belle, who held Nathaniel in her arms and Mrs Potts entered the dining room, a large group gathered around them to see the baby but when the members of the cleaning crew saw the duplicate of The Bruiser in Mrs. Potts' hand they fled the room. The housekeeper watched them run and cackled while Rumple and Belle had tears in their eyes as they laughed.

"Go on then, run and hide you little hooligans! You mess up this house again and I'll make your bottoms so sore you won't sit for a month!" she threatened.

"Next time we're letting her join in on the fun," Catriona said to her mother.

"You know sweetheart, I never thought I'd see the day," Rumple said to his wife.

"What day?"

"Regina and Hook scared out of their wits by three normal ladies. I'm enjoying it."

"Oh, so am I."


End file.
